Last updated on 16th May, 2019 at 09:54 am

Family conflict develops when we have different views about issues, often aggravated by a lack of positive communication, hurt and resentment. Here are expert tips on resolving things.

1. Get to the bottom of what caused it

Clinical psychologist Malinka van der Merve says that often, family feuds can last so long that “no one really knows what started it”. Start at the beginning: pinpoint what caused everything and try to resolve this first. The rest will then follow.

2. Get someone objective to help

It’s easy to get stuck in a rut of arguing, especially if you feel hurt. It’s also not always fair to ask other family members to get involved to help to resolve things: “People are pushed into the corner to take sides,” explains Barbara LeBey, author of Family Estrangements. “It just ends up hurting everyone.”

Get someone who won’t take sides, and who is objective, to help mediate discussions.
A qualified family counsellor is specialised in facilitating discussions and resolving disputes.

“Counselling can provide a fresh approach to solve issues,” adds van der Merve.

Click here for free telephonic legal assistance from a team of professionals, including counselling.

“If family members are unwilling to attend, it can still be helpful to get counselling for yourself,” she adds. You can process your hurt and work with your counsellor on a strategy for healing.

Other people who can help could be your pastor or an elder or community member. Their role should be to ensure discussions remain calm, to help come up with compromises that suit everyone, and to ensure everyone has the opportunity to voice their point of view.

3. Don’t take things personally

“Nothing others do is because of you,” says Don Miguel Ruiz, author of The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom. “What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.” Taking things personally can also cloud your judgement and cause you to react emotionally rather than rationally.

4. Be willing to say sorry

Even if you feel that you haven’t done anything wrong! “Who is right doesn’t really matter,” explains LeBey. “After a while, estrangements [no longer being on friendly terms] take on a life of their own.”

Put your pride aside – saying sorry can soften the people you are fighting with and make them readier to acknowledge where they have made mistakes, too.

5. Put yourself in their shoes

One of the most powerful ways of resolving conflict can be in trying to understand where the other person is coming from. Asking them why they are upset or why they are behaving the way they are – without judging or getting angry – can allow you to put yourself in their shoes.

“Change begins from within you,” says conflict-resolution specialist Aldo Civico. “Conflict can always be an opportunity: for better communication, for a dialogue about issues that matter, for a more authentic relationship. Conflict is part of our life. It cannot be avoided. But it can be resolved, transformed, and experienced as a gift from life to become deeper, wiser individuals.”

6. Choose to forgive

“When a resentment of a wrong or a hurt or an injustice persists in your mind, it becomes toxic and corrupts not just your life, but the lives of everyone close to you,” explains LeBey. “Resentment escalates into grudges, then to rage and hatred, then to often completely ruined relationships. The only way to get over resentment is to forgive the person who caused it.”

How to avoid…

Fights over funerals

“A funeral policy eases financial worry and will allow you or your family to spend more time arranging the funeral and providing each other with emotional support, instead of worrying about money to pay for all the funeral costs,” explains Cita Penn, head of client solutions at Sanlam Developing Markets Limited.

But managing it among family members can be tricky. Some family members may default on paying their monthly fee, resulting in complications when it’s time to claim. Financial expert Sanelisiwe Gantsho says funeral plans should “be kept transparent between family members. It should be openly stated if someone is unable to pay a particular month; that way there will be no surprises when it’s time to claim.”

Fights over inheritance

A will is the best way to protect against disagreements of who inherits what when someone passes away.

“A will is a legally binding, written document that you make freely and voluntarily, detailing how you would want your assets to be distributed once you’ve passed away,” explains David Thomson, legal advisor at Sanlam Trust.

“If you don’t have a will, the state decides how your assets are distributed,” adds Thomson. “If you planned to give one of your colleagues or best friends a share in your will, the state won’t take that into consideration.” Your assets will only be divided amongst your spouse and children – or as the state sees fit in certain situations. “If you have a life partner or are in a long-term relationship but aren’t married to each other, it’s possible that they won’t be considered when distributing your assets,” he says.

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